16 years ago I was addicted to Meth.

When I was 14 years old, I had just started school at a prestigious Catholic College Prep. I was actually sought after by their music department because of how gifted I am at saxophone. The summer before school started, I spent at fat camp instead of band camp. I went from 207 lbs down to 185 lbs and was feeling great about myself until I got to school. I wanted to play basketball but my self esteem had taken a turn for the worse with my new weightloss. I was too intimidated by the height of the other girls and their level of physical fitness so I stuck to the band and drama even though I loved sports more.  The pressures to continue to lose weight were all around me. School, advertisements, the media, the trends and my family.  I was doing everything I knew how to do but it was so slow. 

At this point in my life, I was anti smoking and had only gotten a little tipsy off of whiskey, once.  A girl whom I had become friends with confided in me one day, when I complained about always watching what I eat. She said that an upper classman introduced her to this stuff called Crystal and it made things a lot easier. She continued to tell me that in her 2 weeks of using it she could get all her school work done, had a ton of energy and was barely ever hungry. She had lost 12 pounds as well.  There it was the solution to everything I had ever struggled with and in an instant, I wanted to try it. She linked me up with this chick who her friend got it from. We met in a secluded bathroom at school and I bought $20 worth. She cut up two lines and she went first. It was then my turn. I did it. I was hooked. 

I'm not joking. I loved it. I had endless energy, was barely hungry, loosing weight like rabid fire. It was incredible. I spent five years doing it and had many a great adventure but also put myself in situations like eventually getting kicked out of my house because of it, living on the streets and nearly lost my life.  I went to rehab at 19 after an incident at the motel I was living at shook me to my core. I went to a government funded rehab through the system and it worked . It worked because I wanted it to and I didn't take my chance for granted. My parents didn't make it easy for me and I had to go through social services and work very hard to fix every mess I made along the way. My councilor at rehab looked at me after our first meeting and said, "you don't have a drug problem my dear, you have an eating disorder" Throughout my rehab she wouldn't let me dance with my problems, she gave me the tools to solve them. She wouldn't let me become addicted to rehab and told me to look around any room I sat in at rehab and decide whose future looked good and the answer was, nobody. She said to ask myself if I wanted to spend my life fighting to get out of rehab or if I wanted to end the fight and move on with my life.  10 days after I graduated from rehab, at 19 years old, weighing 224lbs and full of life, I was hired to work in the mailroom at dick Clark productions and moved on with my life.... 

I worked my way up to be director of 2 department. Here's I am at 25 years old, 128 pounds, with Dick Clark on my last day before leaving for a position at Image Entertainment.  And Oct 13, 1999 is the last day I ever touched it. 

The grass over there is always brown.

Every time I ever have a whoa is me moment during my recovery something is shoved right in my face to make me change my perception.  On my recent cruise, I had gone for two days kinda shuffling slowly unassisted and from that I was sent not back to being with a crutch but to needing the electric scooter to get around.  I had just finished 3 hours of my therapy and was icing on a lounge very bummed that I couldn't go jet skiing, ziplining, rock climbing or basically do anything I live for doing. As I placed a huge bag of ice on my hip and leg the woman next to me give a chuckle from reading her book.  I turned to her and simply asked her " How are you?"  She turned and said "I'm just happy to be on vacation".

She explained that she and her husband had been planning this trip for 10 months and tried to go to a private beach on a tour that they planned only to discover that the entire beach and shoreline was over run by seaweed.  There was really no place to sit or even swim so they sucked up the loss and came back to the ship.  I was sympathetic and said I was sorry it ruined her day.  She told me that nothing could ever ruin her day.  She explained that her 28 year old son had an awful accident when he was 19.  He had received a full college scholarship with many job offers in aerospace engineering after he graduated and they were visiting him at college.  They were all avid skiers and decided to ski for the day.  She described the accident so simply.  He went over a little bump on the side of the run that sent him flying into the air where he eventually landed on his neck.

As the ski patrol was taking him away he told her, "I broke my neck, I know it"

He has been paralyzed from the neck down ever since.  He can lift his forearms up but can not put them back down, and that's the extent of his mobility.  He redesigned their house to accommodate his needs and is very active in the city council but he does need constant help to do everything.  She explained that the most exciting part of their trip was that they would both be able to sleep through the night without having to get up to move his position.  Every night for 9 years with a small vacation here and there, these selfless parents get up to reposition their helpless son as he sleeps.

I hated every minute of the hopelessness I heard in her voice but gave her as much positivity and love as I could find in me to make sure she walked away from our conversation feeling like the everyday selfless hero that she is.

It can always be worse.  Always.  So, why not be happy with what you got.

Just a quick thought: Marriage, Children and politics

People ask me all the time if I want children and the answer isn't so simple. It's hard for me to want to bring a new life into the world knowing what I know about our government and the world around us. People crying over infertility problems and Gay Marriage as if it's life  or death when it's privledge. If we have no earth left to use and our bodies are being eroded by the chemicals in the food we're eating then what does any of that matter. We've created such a divide and spewing of hate with the parties that nothing gets done but lining politicians pockets on both sides while we destroy the world. Simple solutions screaming at us in the face but all we care about is politics and slamming the parties. Our purpose has gone astray and they've hooked us... Well you... I'm an activist!

Why aren't you?  How can you care about marriage and children when the world is self destructing with cruelty and lies. Why would you pay 60k to fight nature and have a child when that money could adopt 3 children. How can you worry about politicians from any party when you voluntarily eat chemicals in foods and drink diet soft drinks. You care so much about your personal issues but don't care that we are clearly heading in the direction that will make things worse. Your vote may not count like you want it to but your daily actions do. Think about the world you're fighting to bring a child in to or to be married in. These rights mean nothing without a clean vibrant world to live in. 

Articles like this one: 

http://truththeory.com/2013/05/17/hemp-could-free-us-from-oil-prevent-deforestation-cure-cancer-and-its-environmentally-friendly-so-why-is-it-illegal/

This articles shows how hemp could save America and its industries by making our soil more fertile, providing textiles like paper and clothing, natural energy, medication as well as helping with cancer.  The sad reason why it won't happen is simple. It's politicians and capitalism ruling our lives. Specifically the industries that make the government money that would be eliminated. It just doesn't make sense that we focus on the things that go into having a life but really don't care about the things that keep us alive like our foods, soil, air and water. We care more about drilling off shore in Antarctica knowing we don't have the technology to clean a spill under ice than reshaping our economy through progressive means to make the world better for the future generations because that's not where the money is and its doesn't personally touch everyone immediately.

As I ponder on the questions of kids and marriage these are the things that come to my mind and adoption. I can't selfishly think about what I want in my life without thinking about the future of the world and what I can do to make a difference.