Effort

My body went from effortlessly walking about. Capable, defying flexibility & dynamic motion. I could do anything physical, would work out & play sports with ease. In an instant, of unfortunate timing, I was struck by a car while riding my bike. 

Effortless because extreme effort. My biggest challenge. Simply walking. I was always very physical and now just the simple motion of walking takes extreme effort and work. My left leg, I’ve been able to modify my movements with the support of the right leg so it works like a pendulum because I can’t feel it, it only produces pain in motion & cause & affect issues because I’m swinging my leg to walk instead of pushing off the ground.  My ankle will drop if I truly don’t pay attention to my motions. 

Effort. Every movement. Using my fast brain to literally study my every movement to see if I can do anything to reduce the amount of pain, increase my mobility & decrease the effort it takes to walk.  I have to manipulate my nutrition to control the inflammation and use soaking and heating as well. I’ve slowly found ways to improve then hit plateaus. Sometimes I slip and don’t mind my motions and it sets me back a bit. The one thing that never changes is the effort it’s taking to try to make it effortless.  

It’s truly amazing how you can repair the body & push through to continue to see improvement with effort. Really gives me the strength to keep trying because I think the minute I sit down & stop putting in the effort  is the minute my body will lock up & I’ll loose it all. I guess it’s living the dream because although it’s a struggle I’ve turned it into a positive & a better understanding of the human body & psyche! Using nutrition, mental & physical therapy, nerve therapy & excercise to repair the problems & make improvements as much as possible with THC & CBD to help take the edge off instead of pharmaceuticals. 

The one thing that has made it easier to continue to put forth such effort is eliminating the need for people to understand or know my pain. It doesn’t matter & I no longer need others to validate what I know exists & removing that part of the effort has allowed me to hyper focus on treating myself. I find that seems to be a huge road block for people who suffer from pain issues or hidden handicaps, the effort into convincing people about what they feel, limitations and needs. That’s the part of the human psyche that needs the effort to be towards a change in perspective. Knowing your effort & focus on getting better is the only validation you need to spark the ability to thrive & feel better by making the effort to improve & reduce pain to work towards becoming effortless. 

“Those times when you get up early and you work hard; those times when you stay up late and you work hard; those times when you don’t feel like working — you’re too tired, you don’t want to push yourself — but you do it anyway. That is actually the dream. That’s the dream. It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. And if you guys can understand that, what you’ll see happen is that you won’t accomplish your dreams, your dreams won’t come true, something greater will.” - Kobe Bryant

Parents, it’s your time to shine

Parents. I mean me! Now is your time to shine! 

Yesterday I realized the tole this isolation is having on my 2 year olds emotions. When I’m frustrated and at a loss for a creative activity, she thinks I’m mad at her. Mad. At. Her. A 2 year old. She’s internalizing what’s going on as something she did wrong. If that tells me anything it’s that I need to put on a happy face no matter what I’m going through. Why?  What about my feelings. Who cares about me to be honest, I’m an adult and I realize that this experience can be a mind fuck or I can do what I’m suppose to do as a parent and selflessly put me aside completely.  

There are specific moments I remember from my childhood that shaped me for life and this experience will shape part of your child’s psyche for life. Now is your time to shine and dig deep.  It’s not hard, it’s challenging and your goal is to keep your cool and use humor and creativity to show your child that it’s easy to make the best of things when you’re together. Show them that sitting and listening to music and singing and dancing and making faces does make being stuck in the house better. Take away the iPad and engage. Get on their level. 

I keep hearing about the children’s resistance to school and only wanting to sit and stare at tv.  Many of you didn’t stay at home with your children when they were young and now is your chance. All those people fighting for longer maternity leave now you have it. You have the gift of time with your child. You can complain that it’s hard or you can use this time to shine in the eyes of your child and let them be the center of your world with your full attention. We all have moments where we need to get that email out and our kid is jumping on our lap or tugging at our shirt wanting our attention and now is the time to give it to them. Put the email aside and plan a time when your child won’t need you to do it. Set up an art project and as it starts send an email. Work around your child’s needs and now you’re given the luxury of time. 

I have to spread out our day over 15 hours because that’s my daughters typical awake span. I know from 5:30 am - 8pm my priority is  to make the best of this for her. I know I won’t be perfect and I’ll have my moments but knowing that my child is internalizing this and could think this is her fault, makes it all that more important that I work harder to make her feel special, amused, busy, engaged and productive instead of like a burden adding

to the stress of this situation because they aren’t. 

Children are the most wonderful part of life. First you have your childhood which you cherish the wonderful memories of and then if you’re lucky you get to give someone theirs. This is your baby’s childhood and they’re the most wonderful part of your life and now is your time to shine. For them. For you. Be silly. Be positive. Smile. Give extra love and keep your stress and complaints to yourself. Shine! 

Count your blessings!

A few weeks ago I was feeling very down because of my hip, leg, neck and nerve damage, like why keep trying thoughts. Not my normal. I forced myself onto the bike and as I sat woe is me, this hurts, this sucks, I looked over at my garden and saw two butterflies entangled in a mid air dance around my blood orange tree. I stopped to videotape and captured one of them still dancing.  That moment gave light to my heart and my mind to be above myself, be beyond my pain and think more about the beauty in life.  Well.... yesterday, I noticed 4 sluggish looking creatures chilling on separate leaves in my blood orange tree!  Those butterflies were mating and now I get to witness the beauty in seeing these caterpillars become pupas and blossom into butterflies. I guess we  should all count our blessings where they come, no matter how big or how small. Have a great day!

For the video go to:

Facebook.com/RawEarthMedicine 

Instagram: Raw Earth Medicine 

Mental Health

Since the day of my accident I have not felt comfortable in my own skin and I don't mean that in a self esteem body issue type way. I mean my body hurts always and I can't ever just sit still and be. I have nerves that are dead and some that are overworking. Nerves healing, bones healing and crazy other connectivity issues. Part of it was because I saw the car coming down on me in the split second before she hit me so my body tensed. I constantly have to move around because the stillness just isn't possible. The symptoms are always there. My hands are numb and my feet are always freezing and my spine feels like a metal rod that's just constantly throbbing. Through all of this there have been times that I've wanted to end it. The thought of living like this forever which, reality is saying it's so, could drive someone into the depths of mental hell. 

This is one of the main reasons why I won't give in to taking all the pills they push on me and why I continue to work out in any way that supports my capabilities and disabilities. I eat to support not only my physical health but my mental health. 

 I've had two episodes where I went into a two day whoa is me desperation and wouldn't leave the couch. My parents couldn't recognize their daughter nor feel her pain but I saw theirs. The anguish in seeing their daughter in so much pain that life didn't serve purpose, this fight seemed never ending. 

It was the look in their eyes that fueled me to dig deeper within myself to see that I knew I controlled my happiness and I was letting the pain win. 

As I lay her today typing this my hands are numb, my left foot is burning, hip is in spasm and my neck is just, we won't go there but, I'm the happiest I've ever been mentally. In spite of it all. 

I've shed all the toxic family and people who don't add joy to my life.  I try my hardest to look at the positive in every situation and have created a perspective that produces happiness. As each thing comes my way, I have an understanding of the importance of the little things and I appreciate the small victories in life with an elevated sense of gratitude. In essence I turned my frown upside down and researched ways I could change my brain. I didn't want to depend on a pill to just make me "feel" better. I wanted to be better and make the changes I needed that would stay with me. If I have to walk with a crutch I certainly wasn't going to use one for my mental health. I want off crutches in every sense of the word so that I can be free and evolve as a person beyond my wildest dreams.  The world is a place bigger then our own minds and if we don't expand our own minds we won't evolve as a race. 

I'm proud to talk about my mental issues because we all have them and we could definetly use a fresh breath of honesty with our shortcomings so we get better  instead of delusions of grandeur.

  A little moment of love goes a long way. Find love and happiness in everything you do. It's there if you're looking for it. 

Time.

I have an issue with time and my time being respected. I personally run about 7-14 minutes late. I'm serious. Then when I became physically disabled that time increased and really became something I had to pay attention to. 

It takes me longer to get dressed, walk down the stairs, get into the car, and I'm just fucked if I forget something upstairs. I might as well not go at all, I'll be so late. Even though mentally I still think like the girl who can just sprint from the end of the parking lot to cut time to get there, I am not her at the moment. Keep in mind my natural tendency is to use my time for all its worth. I always have something to do. Hence the 7-14 minute tardiness margin. On the line of being respectful of people's time and still squeezing every second out of my time. 

At first with having the physical disabilities, time was really hard to manage. I'm not realistic at all with my abilities. Giving myself the time I need to get to places and working with my natural tendencies became my focus. I couldn't move faster but I did figured out how to use my time better and plan ahead. I couldn't handle seeing the affects that my tardiness has on other people. I had to just admit that a quick trip to the market is always a 45 minute ordeal for the moment. It's made me realize how much my old time habits may have ruined other people's days.  My perspective of time on all accounts is completely different. I've realized it's our most prized possession.  

I still struggle from time to time with getting to places on time and it truly affects me when I am late but I know I'm trying my best, considering it all. 

It also affects me when others change the plans.  I have to plan out my days so that I take care of my recovery and make sure I have time.  If I don't I won't get better and I wouldn't have time for any joy in life.   I think that's why when people don't respect my time it hurts my feelings because I don't think they realize I have to put in 3 times the effort and really plan out my time to make sure our plans work out.  The constant lack of respect for my time is really driving me to be less social because usually it's not worth my time.  I figure I could have been doing something productive towards my health instead. 

Want vs Need

As I read stories in the news and see the status updates on Facebook, it's apparent that our biggest problem in today's society is that people no longer know the difference between want verses need. 

I recently got into a heated debate over IVF (in vitro fertilization) because my stand point is that we are wasting valuable research money on fertility when having your own biological child is a want not a need. I also think that spending 100's of thousands of dollars in having our own biological Children when clearly there is a reason you can't conceive (DNA, evolution, genetic disease) and we have plenty of orphans is ridiculous but that's not the point I'm trying to make. Once I realized the person I was debating with was pregnant with a child I'm almost certain was conceived through IVF, I decided that stressing out a pregnant women and potentially affecting her fetus wasn't worth me totally pounding her into the ground with my point and leaving her emotionally destroyed. I actually think about others even in a debate.  Plus I would have played dirty and said that if she is eating chemicals while pregnant she's already commiting child abuse, which is a whole other rant for another post. 

Here is my point: There are people and children who are currently alive who have no homes (adoption) and who were born with major birth defects or have had a major accident that has left them incapable of caring for themselves (need). The money spent on fertility (want), obesity (man made disease) and heart disease (man made disease) should be spent on real medical issues (ms, paralyzation, Parkinson's, asthma, blindness, deafness etc) that affect a persons ability to feed themselves or even know who they are or you are half the time and even wipe their own ass let alone get to a bathroom themselves (all needs). These are only simple examples, you can't imagine their hardships. I see these people at physical therapy and doctors offices.   There is no way on earth you can convince me that spending money to figure out how Bob and Bunny can have the child they want, can in any way be compared to the importance in figuring out how to get Bobby born with a paralyzing birth defect

the ability to feed and take care of himself. Anyone who can think they can find a qualifying defense is part of the problem or carrying it in their utterous. I don't begrudge anyone who has partaken in IVF the happiness of having your own child but don't go around acting like infertility is a real problem when it's a luxury problem. I have no issue with people speaking of how heart wrenching it is to not get what you want in terms of ease of getting pregnant or the time it took, miscarriages and all the suffering you went through but please don't act like what you overcame was something you needed to survive because it's simply something you wanted in your life that you couldn't get easily. Have a little more perspective on people with real medical conditions who need to figure out ways daily to accommodate their needs while you complain and struggle with your wants. If we could all take a minute to think first about how many people really suffer and really live a life trying to just cover their needs maybe we can have a little more perspective and tact on how we are handling not getting our wants. 

Side note: Right now I would like to walk full time without a crutch but there is no way I can compare my hardship of being disabled the last 2 1/2 years with anyone who has any of the diseases/conditions I mentioned. I can clearly recognize that I want to be pain free, cure my autonomic neuropathy, turn my neck, walk unassisted and stop the spasms but I can live and survive with a lot of extra effort while others are far worse off than me. 

#crutchlife 

The grass over there is always brown.

Every time I ever have a whoa is me moment during my recovery something is shoved right in my face to make me change my perception.  On my recent cruise, I had gone for two days kinda shuffling slowly unassisted and from that I was sent not back to being with a crutch but to needing the electric scooter to get around.  I had just finished 3 hours of my therapy and was icing on a lounge very bummed that I couldn't go jet skiing, ziplining, rock climbing or basically do anything I live for doing. As I placed a huge bag of ice on my hip and leg the woman next to me give a chuckle from reading her book.  I turned to her and simply asked her " How are you?"  She turned and said "I'm just happy to be on vacation".

She explained that she and her husband had been planning this trip for 10 months and tried to go to a private beach on a tour that they planned only to discover that the entire beach and shoreline was over run by seaweed.  There was really no place to sit or even swim so they sucked up the loss and came back to the ship.  I was sympathetic and said I was sorry it ruined her day.  She told me that nothing could ever ruin her day.  She explained that her 28 year old son had an awful accident when he was 19.  He had received a full college scholarship with many job offers in aerospace engineering after he graduated and they were visiting him at college.  They were all avid skiers and decided to ski for the day.  She described the accident so simply.  He went over a little bump on the side of the run that sent him flying into the air where he eventually landed on his neck.

As the ski patrol was taking him away he told her, "I broke my neck, I know it"

He has been paralyzed from the neck down ever since.  He can lift his forearms up but can not put them back down, and that's the extent of his mobility.  He redesigned their house to accommodate his needs and is very active in the city council but he does need constant help to do everything.  She explained that the most exciting part of their trip was that they would both be able to sleep through the night without having to get up to move his position.  Every night for 9 years with a small vacation here and there, these selfless parents get up to reposition their helpless son as he sleeps.

I hated every minute of the hopelessness I heard in her voice but gave her as much positivity and love as I could find in me to make sure she walked away from our conversation feeling like the everyday selfless hero that she is.

It can always be worse.  Always.  So, why not be happy with what you got.