Count your blessings!

A few weeks ago I was feeling very down because of my hip, leg, neck and nerve damage, like why keep trying thoughts. Not my normal. I forced myself onto the bike and as I sat woe is me, this hurts, this sucks, I looked over at my garden and saw two butterflies entangled in a mid air dance around my blood orange tree. I stopped to videotape and captured one of them still dancing.  That moment gave light to my heart and my mind to be above myself, be beyond my pain and think more about the beauty in life.  Well.... yesterday, I noticed 4 sluggish looking creatures chilling on separate leaves in my blood orange tree!  Those butterflies were mating and now I get to witness the beauty in seeing these caterpillars become pupas and blossom into butterflies. I guess we  should all count our blessings where they come, no matter how big or how small. Have a great day!

For the video go to:

Facebook.com/RawEarthMedicine 

Instagram: Raw Earth Medicine 

Want vs Need

As I read stories in the news and see the status updates on Facebook, it's apparent that our biggest problem in today's society is that people no longer know the difference between want verses need. 

I recently got into a heated debate over IVF (in vitro fertilization) because my stand point is that we are wasting valuable research money on fertility when having your own biological child is a want not a need. I also think that spending 100's of thousands of dollars in having our own biological Children when clearly there is a reason you can't conceive (DNA, evolution, genetic disease) and we have plenty of orphans is ridiculous but that's not the point I'm trying to make. Once I realized the person I was debating with was pregnant with a child I'm almost certain was conceived through IVF, I decided that stressing out a pregnant women and potentially affecting her fetus wasn't worth me totally pounding her into the ground with my point and leaving her emotionally destroyed. I actually think about others even in a debate.  Plus I would have played dirty and said that if she is eating chemicals while pregnant she's already commiting child abuse, which is a whole other rant for another post. 

Here is my point: There are people and children who are currently alive who have no homes (adoption) and who were born with major birth defects or have had a major accident that has left them incapable of caring for themselves (need). The money spent on fertility (want), obesity (man made disease) and heart disease (man made disease) should be spent on real medical issues (ms, paralyzation, Parkinson's, asthma, blindness, deafness etc) that affect a persons ability to feed themselves or even know who they are or you are half the time and even wipe their own ass let alone get to a bathroom themselves (all needs). These are only simple examples, you can't imagine their hardships. I see these people at physical therapy and doctors offices.   There is no way on earth you can convince me that spending money to figure out how Bob and Bunny can have the child they want, can in any way be compared to the importance in figuring out how to get Bobby born with a paralyzing birth defect

the ability to feed and take care of himself. Anyone who can think they can find a qualifying defense is part of the problem or carrying it in their utterous. I don't begrudge anyone who has partaken in IVF the happiness of having your own child but don't go around acting like infertility is a real problem when it's a luxury problem. I have no issue with people speaking of how heart wrenching it is to not get what you want in terms of ease of getting pregnant or the time it took, miscarriages and all the suffering you went through but please don't act like what you overcame was something you needed to survive because it's simply something you wanted in your life that you couldn't get easily. Have a little more perspective on people with real medical conditions who need to figure out ways daily to accommodate their needs while you complain and struggle with your wants. If we could all take a minute to think first about how many people really suffer and really live a life trying to just cover their needs maybe we can have a little more perspective and tact on how we are handling not getting our wants. 

Side note: Right now I would like to walk full time without a crutch but there is no way I can compare my hardship of being disabled the last 2 1/2 years with anyone who has any of the diseases/conditions I mentioned. I can clearly recognize that I want to be pain free, cure my autonomic neuropathy, turn my neck, walk unassisted and stop the spasms but I can live and survive with a lot of extra effort while others are far worse off than me. 

#crutchlife 

The grass over there is always brown.

Every time I ever have a whoa is me moment during my recovery something is shoved right in my face to make me change my perception.  On my recent cruise, I had gone for two days kinda shuffling slowly unassisted and from that I was sent not back to being with a crutch but to needing the electric scooter to get around.  I had just finished 3 hours of my therapy and was icing on a lounge very bummed that I couldn't go jet skiing, ziplining, rock climbing or basically do anything I live for doing. As I placed a huge bag of ice on my hip and leg the woman next to me give a chuckle from reading her book.  I turned to her and simply asked her " How are you?"  She turned and said "I'm just happy to be on vacation".

She explained that she and her husband had been planning this trip for 10 months and tried to go to a private beach on a tour that they planned only to discover that the entire beach and shoreline was over run by seaweed.  There was really no place to sit or even swim so they sucked up the loss and came back to the ship.  I was sympathetic and said I was sorry it ruined her day.  She told me that nothing could ever ruin her day.  She explained that her 28 year old son had an awful accident when he was 19.  He had received a full college scholarship with many job offers in aerospace engineering after he graduated and they were visiting him at college.  They were all avid skiers and decided to ski for the day.  She described the accident so simply.  He went over a little bump on the side of the run that sent him flying into the air where he eventually landed on his neck.

As the ski patrol was taking him away he told her, "I broke my neck, I know it"

He has been paralyzed from the neck down ever since.  He can lift his forearms up but can not put them back down, and that's the extent of his mobility.  He redesigned their house to accommodate his needs and is very active in the city council but he does need constant help to do everything.  She explained that the most exciting part of their trip was that they would both be able to sleep through the night without having to get up to move his position.  Every night for 9 years with a small vacation here and there, these selfless parents get up to reposition their helpless son as he sleeps.

I hated every minute of the hopelessness I heard in her voice but gave her as much positivity and love as I could find in me to make sure she walked away from our conversation feeling like the everyday selfless hero that she is.

It can always be worse.  Always.  So, why not be happy with what you got.

Being Blunt!

Here's a great Article on why your best friend is your blunt friend!  

http://www.idealistrevolution.org/7-reasons-the-blunt-friend-is-the-best-friend-youll-ever-have/

This is Me! Most people can't handle the truth of who they are and what they're doing. When you love your entire being, faults and imperfections... You're blunt and life is happier.. Try it! 

Here's me smoking a blunt: 

Monday Mornings.......Life..... Its what you make of it!

HHave you ever had anything you truly loved taken from you or worked for something with every ounce of your being just taken from you?  I have!

My 5 year old chihuahua suddenly coughed and 3 hours later was dead from heart failure.  I was destroyed.  I gave myself pneumonia from heartache.  In turn I ended up saving a puppy mill pomeranian from Parvo and helped to close down a fraudulent vet clinic.  I also rescued 2 additional dogs in her place.  #lemonade

I am a Medical Marijuana Activist and built a very successful collective that helped many sick people have access to medicine.  I am one of the good guys and spent 7 years fighting to stay open so I could help people.  In the end I had to choose between being a person of my word or screwing someone over but I choose to walk away. Physical disabilities aside, closing my collective for no reason other than politics.  My heart ripped from my hands.  In turn I am now working on developing technology to help patients gain access, doing interviews and consulting to keep the cause moving in the right direction.

I lost 100 lbs at 19  and developed a love for physical fitness.  I was hit by a car in July of 2013 and my ability to do the activities I love was taken from me.  In turn I work every day to get better, to develop ways to stay strong and I am writing books to help others learn how to eat to better suit their recoveries, holistic cookbooks and self help books.

I have 100's of stories like the ones listed.  Its the story of my life.

It may seem like I am a judgemental person or like I am hard on people.  I know, I am certainly accused of holding grudges but I really don't see it that way.  I only have room for good people in my life. The bad just comes from living life. I am hard on people because I am hard on myself. If I can live morally so can you. I am hard on myself because I always believe I can be doing better.  I believe that the energy that you allow into your life plays a huge role in how much positive progress we make on our own self esteem.  I can not keep company with negativity or people who are not progressive and honest about their life.  I live with full transparency with nothing to hide.  I am direct with people and say it like it is. I treat the people I love with kindness so I keep that circle small because the amount of love I give to the people I care about takes an effort and is thoughtful and genuine.

My goal is to be able to experience this life and the world through self love and positivity. To help spread the message that life really is your choice no matter what comes your way!

Pool Therapy Time! 

My girl just saw her ex with another chick... here's how I pep talk...

#friendoftheyear  

Jesus Christ Life, what a pain in the neck!

Yesterday I decided to give resting a real chance.  I skipped my workout and all my other physical rituals like epsom salt baths, icing and drinking my special juices.  It was a crazy just lay around, smoke weed and eat edibles all day (pain management, i can't function without it!) and be lazy.  Well, Jesus Christ I woke up today and CAN NOT MOVE MY NECK!  Like I can not turn my neck right or left and looking up involves moving my entire back.  I guess the moral is, that all of my holistic measures to manage my pain and my mobility work and when I drop the ball for a day and try to "rest", I just set myself back.  If I'm completely honest, laying around and doing nothing is only fun if you're naked with someone else and you're really not doing nothing. So, the lesson I learned is that the more consistent we are with our holistic health and nutrition practices the more we consistently feel good.  Although I suffer daily from pain, today I learned how much worse it would be if I wasn't doing what I am doing.  Off to the spa for the day to get straight and enjoy my silver linings where ever I can!

Spa Vibes

Things that annoy me about recovery....

staying positive right after hip surgery
(Unbelievable amount of Pain)

Its been 21 months since I got hit by a car while riding my bike and even saying it like that makes me feel annoying, you know, like parents saying how old there kid is.  
21 months.... Fucking annoying! I do that to remind myself that it hasn't been THAT long and I should be easier on myself.  It's also so embarrassing and tiresome to explain that I still suffer excruciating pains and symptoms that aren't going away, even after hip surgery.  It's very mentally exhausting when people ask you every day, "how you feeling?" with the hopes in their tone that you just say great but the truth is; I feel like I'm trapped in physical groundhogs day where nothing is getting better and I keep getting poked and prodded.  

staying positive icing my arms, elbows and chest
MAJOR PAIN

I need to stay positive not only for myself but for the people around me because It feels like everyones just tired of hearing about it and they're ready for it to be over, with me back to normal. Me too, me too!!! The sad truth is that there are so many things that I just don't want to tell people because its the hard truth of my reality and I'm not looking for sympathy or their input for solutions. For all of those who suffer silently and feel like nobody can relate I'm going to talk about it all in hopes that others who can relate to my experiences find some peace that they are not alone.   

When I sit across from you at a restaurant smiling and fidgeting like nobodies business, the truth is that I smile so I don't wince and I move around so the pain can't fully sink in. I try not to tell you about it because I need you to be funny and silly and yourself because you're my outlet to act happy and fun, inspite of it.  Being with you is an escape from the pain mentally even though its always present.  Other things you don't know are I have to use my hand to help my leg uncross when my leg doesn't get the message from my brain. I use my right leg to lift my left leg when I get into my car. My leg drops when I walk and I trip a lot.  My left leg has a constant "tick" and spasms 24 hours a day.  My hands will just drop what I'm holding because my hands stop feeling and don't realize they're holding something. My leg doesn't get the right message from my brain and will slam into something instead of passing by it like I intended to do, I can't go up or down the stairs

 being positive on crutches at the bowl
(still in pain)

without using the handrail for stability and for a little momentum. I need to hold on to the wall when I shower so I don't fall.  It feels like a laser is always shooting a beam from my crotch to my thigh then to my calf and out of the bottom of my foot. It feels like a knife has been lodged into my shoulder blades and is there to stay. I have to turn my entire body to look over my right shoulder.  I'm always asking people to make plans with me that involve a mild hike or something physical and they all say I shouldn't be doing it when the reality is that it's torture for me to have to sit still or to sit for any period of time longer than 30-40 minutes. The pain starts to set in deeper and once its set in, the rest of my day becomes about finding even more ways to cope without taking pharmaceuticals, which would be the easy way to feeling nothing and never healing. So, I try to just keep moving which I believe is the key to staying positive and motivated during a time when I could just give up and give in to sitting around and doing nothing but sulk in my reality. No thanks, thats annoying to even think about, which is what everyone thinks I should be like.  I should stop all activities and lay down and rest.   It's not going to make me better people, so stop suggesting it.  I know when I need to rest and I dose myself with 4000 mg of edible THC and sleep for 10 - 14 hours at a time.  It's the only way for me to truly rest.

Staying Positive - stretching
in the hot tub 

Strapped to the cool therapy machine

There are days when the only way I can stop the burning in my leg is if I spend hours in hot water or hours strapped to my cool therapy ice machine.  Some days I will spend 6 hours sitting in the hot tub so that I can have enough relief to actually study, write a blog, answer emails and give my mind a little break. At pool therapy I always say I wish that the world was one big hot therapy pool so I could walk through life with comfort and ease.  A girl can dream.

The hardest part for people to grasp is that my pain is constant.  When I go for a massage, of course it feels good but in the background of the good is this constant throbbing, numbness, sharp and heavy feelings in my neck, shoulders, back, hip, legs and spine.  It never stops.  Ever.  Like never ever. Certain activities can aggravate it by adding maybe a point or two to my pain scale but over all the pain is there regardless.

 being positive relearning how to lift my leg
(still in pain)

I am constantly lectured by every person that I shouldn't be doing any physical activities.   As if I should be on bed rest so my entire body can get weak and I could be in a more ultimate version of my painful hell.  I know that I can't go to a gym and workout with a trainer, do crossfit, sit and work at a desk for hours, go running or do major impact activities anymore or should I say until I am further diagnosed, treated and fully healed from this accident.  That doesn't mean that I shouldn't still keep my body strong and work out. I attribute the strength and otherwise good health I have to my holistic nutrition, meditations/sub conscious exercises and Cardio Barre workouts.  I truly believe Cardio Barre is the ultimate workout for people in recovery. You can work isolated muscles with zero impact and can skip movements or make modifications to accommodate your physical abilities which is key to safe physical therapy. If you don't use it you lose it and if you don't feel you won't heal.   I've tried yoga and pilates during my recovery and sorry folks, they're both dangerous and impactful to my body so you can stop pushing that on me because its annoying.  I've found the one activity that makes me actually feel better in my recovery and not worse which is the point.  To find activities that make me feel alive and better during a time when I constantly feel

Cardio Barre working on lifting my leg
(still in pain)

pain.  I know everyone just wants what's best for me but unless you know what I feel, your advice or shaming my choices doesn't help.  I don't mean to be a bitch about it but its hard enough dealing with pain without pills and then to be lectured like I'm doing things to hurt myself doesn't help with my mental strength and stability. All of my doctors and health care professionals have given me their approval to do Cardio Barre and have even said that structurally I can do any activity so long as it doesn't increase my pain by more than 2 points and thats the rule of thumb for me.  Being scolded for being active almost makes me just not want to share my painful reality with people. I'm damned if I do and would be damned worse if I didn't.  So, just support me and love me and know that everything I do is to help me get better.

Staying positive - 14th Injection
 (still in pain)

I am very astute when I go to my doctors appointments and to physical therapy.  I ask a lot of people what meds they are on, what kind of diet they have, if they do anything physical in everyday life and how long they've been in recovery.  90% of the people I meet have been on the pain meds for years, are overweight, in miserable moods, have multiple other medical conditions and do nothing physical in their everyday lives because "they're in too much pain".  They're on pain meds and in too much pain? If these people would have kept their bodies moving, didn't take pain meds and ate holistically they wouldn't still be in that pool 9 years after their accidents.

Staying Positive trying to ride a bike again
(still in pain)

I know that it's going to take time for all of the injuries I have to work themselves out and heal.  I know that I will have some physical disabilities for the rest of my life because a 3000 pound vehicle hit my bare body, its reality.  I know that because I don't lay around and wallow in my pain and instead work through it and inspite of it, that I am setting myself up to be even healthier and even stronger after having to overcome the worst of circumstances.  It's annoying to have to tell people you hurt or let them see it first hand.  Its even more annoying to be lectured by people on how you should behave as you heal.  Instead of developing all of the side affects and further ailments I see running rampant, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because all else aside, I have a positive outlook through doing positive activities and a smile on my face because I put it there and no amount of pain or disabilities will take any of that away from me.  I know, it's annoying! 

Staying positive - walking the dogs with my parents
(still in pain)