Effort

My body went from effortlessly walking about. Capable, defying flexibility & dynamic motion. I could do anything physical, would work out & play sports with ease. In an instant, of unfortunate timing, I was struck by a car while riding my bike. 

Effortless because extreme effort. My biggest challenge. Simply walking. I was always very physical and now just the simple motion of walking takes extreme effort and work. My left leg, I’ve been able to modify my movements with the support of the right leg so it works like a pendulum because I can’t feel it, it only produces pain in motion & cause & affect issues because I’m swinging my leg to walk instead of pushing off the ground.  My ankle will drop if I truly don’t pay attention to my motions. 

Effort. Every movement. Using my fast brain to literally study my every movement to see if I can do anything to reduce the amount of pain, increase my mobility & decrease the effort it takes to walk.  I have to manipulate my nutrition to control the inflammation and use soaking and heating as well. I’ve slowly found ways to improve then hit plateaus. Sometimes I slip and don’t mind my motions and it sets me back a bit. The one thing that never changes is the effort it’s taking to try to make it effortless.  

It’s truly amazing how you can repair the body & push through to continue to see improvement with effort. Really gives me the strength to keep trying because I think the minute I sit down & stop putting in the effort  is the minute my body will lock up & I’ll loose it all. I guess it’s living the dream because although it’s a struggle I’ve turned it into a positive & a better understanding of the human body & psyche! Using nutrition, mental & physical therapy, nerve therapy & excercise to repair the problems & make improvements as much as possible with THC & CBD to help take the edge off instead of pharmaceuticals. 

The one thing that has made it easier to continue to put forth such effort is eliminating the need for people to understand or know my pain. It doesn’t matter & I no longer need others to validate what I know exists & removing that part of the effort has allowed me to hyper focus on treating myself. I find that seems to be a huge road block for people who suffer from pain issues or hidden handicaps, the effort into convincing people about what they feel, limitations and needs. That’s the part of the human psyche that needs the effort to be towards a change in perspective. Knowing your effort & focus on getting better is the only validation you need to spark the ability to thrive & feel better by making the effort to improve & reduce pain to work towards becoming effortless. 

“Those times when you get up early and you work hard; those times when you stay up late and you work hard; those times when you don’t feel like working — you’re too tired, you don’t want to push yourself — but you do it anyway. That is actually the dream. That’s the dream. It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. And if you guys can understand that, what you’ll see happen is that you won’t accomplish your dreams, your dreams won’t come true, something greater will.” - Kobe Bryant

Traveling in recovery

It's 4 am and my legs are twitching. I just got back from a trip to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding.  Going to Denver I knew I was going to swell when I got there. Immediately when I landed I get Epsom salt so I can soak and try to reduce the swelling. I also bring compression stalkings and neoprene compression thigh wraps. The reason my legs are spasming is because they're definitely not use to walking unassisted for far lengths. Going there I used the wheelchair assistance to save myself a little bit of added stress on my hip. I kept my diet as normal as possible through the first day up until the evening of the wedding and was back on my game the next morning.  You have to live a little and eat, drink, be merry and celebrate! That cake though. Processed sugar. Yum. Sugar wasted.  Anyways. 

   In order to succeed at holistic nutrition, you must start thinking ahead. Holistic nutrition is the principle that food is your medicine. It's preventative medicine and purposed medicine.  To prepare myself to travel I add a little extra vitamin d supplement for added tendon support. I'm still healing.  I eat a lot more pineapple to try to keep my swelling down even more. I also drink an anti inflammatory green juice of cucumber, celery, spinach, pineapple, ginger, lemon and cayenne pepper. It's also very important to do all your stretches and physical therapy even on your own and to ice and soak after. The more diligent you are the better it is for your recovery. 

This trip I had an early flight so I was in bed by 8 pm and up by 4 am to work out. Knowing you're going to be sitting or standing for long periods of time means it's even more important to get in your work out.

I then pump up the amount of turmeric in my morning latte (cold brewed coffee, hot water, turmeric, cinnamon, honey) and I also add two turmeric capsules and already have some packed to bring with me. I had palmetto (citrus) for breakfast to boost my immunity from all the germs I'm about to encounter at the airport. Knowing I'll be hungry again before my flight, I bring with me a meal and a snack. The worst is being hungry with no options at the airport. At least no options that will contribute to my optimum health.   The one thing I've learned through my recovery is; it never hurts to ask. At the hotel they had a fruit buffet. They only had a little pineapple out. I need a lot. So I asked if there was any way I could get a plate of pineapple. I briefly cover its for my swelling and with a smile she returns with a huge plate. So instead of just settling for the unhealthy, if you ask for your health you'll receive. 

Although it may seem time consuming to do everything this way. I can assure you the end results are much better than if you take pills to mask your symptoms. Our goal is to heal and sadly you have to feel to achieve that. 

After traveling and enjoying a night of naughty food, instead of going straight back to my normal nutrition I feel the need to cleanse and boost my metabolism. The processed foods and the sodium feels like it halts my system because plain and simple. It does. I have a notion, a theory for nutrition I'm trying to work out. My instinct nutritionally is to go really high protein for a few days and then switch to intermittent fasting. Where you have 5 juices with a handful of something, (nuts, coconut shreds), in a day and one big meal, high protein/low carb (protein/veggies) at 4pm.  After a few days you go back to the normal fruit and raw til 4 and high carbs low fat or high protein low carb for dinner. The notion of using fad diet principles but for short courses to reboot reset and relieve your symptoms after you travel, splurge or in preparation for life events. Every time I travel, I try to fine tune this on my return. I'll report back. As of right now, my right hip has very minimal swelling while my left hip has increased swelling. I'm very stiff and spasms are a plenty but I don't feel sluggish. I think I'm on to something. Guess it's time for a soak. 

Breakfast buffet choices of champions. 

And that concludes your 4am nutrition ramble. 

Mental Health

Since the day of my accident I have not felt comfortable in my own skin and I don't mean that in a self esteem body issue type way. I mean my body hurts always and I can't ever just sit still and be. I have nerves that are dead and some that are overworking. Nerves healing, bones healing and crazy other connectivity issues. Part of it was because I saw the car coming down on me in the split second before she hit me so my body tensed. I constantly have to move around because the stillness just isn't possible. The symptoms are always there. My hands are numb and my feet are always freezing and my spine feels like a metal rod that's just constantly throbbing. Through all of this there have been times that I've wanted to end it. The thought of living like this forever which, reality is saying it's so, could drive someone into the depths of mental hell. 

This is one of the main reasons why I won't give in to taking all the pills they push on me and why I continue to work out in any way that supports my capabilities and disabilities. I eat to support not only my physical health but my mental health. 

 I've had two episodes where I went into a two day whoa is me desperation and wouldn't leave the couch. My parents couldn't recognize their daughter nor feel her pain but I saw theirs. The anguish in seeing their daughter in so much pain that life didn't serve purpose, this fight seemed never ending. 

It was the look in their eyes that fueled me to dig deeper within myself to see that I knew I controlled my happiness and I was letting the pain win. 

As I lay her today typing this my hands are numb, my left foot is burning, hip is in spasm and my neck is just, we won't go there but, I'm the happiest I've ever been mentally. In spite of it all. 

I've shed all the toxic family and people who don't add joy to my life.  I try my hardest to look at the positive in every situation and have created a perspective that produces happiness. As each thing comes my way, I have an understanding of the importance of the little things and I appreciate the small victories in life with an elevated sense of gratitude. In essence I turned my frown upside down and researched ways I could change my brain. I didn't want to depend on a pill to just make me "feel" better. I wanted to be better and make the changes I needed that would stay with me. If I have to walk with a crutch I certainly wasn't going to use one for my mental health. I want off crutches in every sense of the word so that I can be free and evolve as a person beyond my wildest dreams.  The world is a place bigger then our own minds and if we don't expand our own minds we won't evolve as a race. 

I'm proud to talk about my mental issues because we all have them and we could definetly use a fresh breath of honesty with our shortcomings so we get better  instead of delusions of grandeur.

  A little moment of love goes a long way. Find love and happiness in everything you do. It's there if you're looking for it. 

You have to try Kiwi Berries

Not only are these little gems delicious but here's why they are so nutritious. 

• Like other “superfood” berries, kiwi berries have an unusually high level of antioxidants that protect your body from toxins and oxidation that can lead to cancer and other serious diseases.
• With about five times as much vitamin C as your average orange, kiwi berries provide an immune system boost. Vitamin C is also considered a powerful antioxidant.
• Kiwi berries are a rich source of vitamin E, which helps maintain healthy levels of cholesterol and heart health. The plus side is, you can get as much vitamin E from a just a few low-calorie kiwi berries as you can from an entire avocado.
• Along with spinach, kiwi berries are one of the rare vegetables rich in Vitamin B6, which helps your body create and use energy.
• Other nutrients in kiwi berries include folic acid, fiber, potassium and chromium, making them a good food to help maintain regular digestion, energy production, nervous system function and kidney health.

Yum! 

Monday Mornings.......Life..... Its what you make of it!

HHave you ever had anything you truly loved taken from you or worked for something with every ounce of your being just taken from you?  I have!

My 5 year old chihuahua suddenly coughed and 3 hours later was dead from heart failure.  I was destroyed.  I gave myself pneumonia from heartache.  In turn I ended up saving a puppy mill pomeranian from Parvo and helped to close down a fraudulent vet clinic.  I also rescued 2 additional dogs in her place.  #lemonade

I am a Medical Marijuana Activist and built a very successful collective that helped many sick people have access to medicine.  I am one of the good guys and spent 7 years fighting to stay open so I could help people.  In the end I had to choose between being a person of my word or screwing someone over but I choose to walk away. Physical disabilities aside, closing my collective for no reason other than politics.  My heart ripped from my hands.  In turn I am now working on developing technology to help patients gain access, doing interviews and consulting to keep the cause moving in the right direction.

I lost 100 lbs at 19  and developed a love for physical fitness.  I was hit by a car in July of 2013 and my ability to do the activities I love was taken from me.  In turn I work every day to get better, to develop ways to stay strong and I am writing books to help others learn how to eat to better suit their recoveries, holistic cookbooks and self help books.

I have 100's of stories like the ones listed.  Its the story of my life.

It may seem like I am a judgemental person or like I am hard on people.  I know, I am certainly accused of holding grudges but I really don't see it that way.  I only have room for good people in my life. The bad just comes from living life. I am hard on people because I am hard on myself. If I can live morally so can you. I am hard on myself because I always believe I can be doing better.  I believe that the energy that you allow into your life plays a huge role in how much positive progress we make on our own self esteem.  I can not keep company with negativity or people who are not progressive and honest about their life.  I live with full transparency with nothing to hide.  I am direct with people and say it like it is. I treat the people I love with kindness so I keep that circle small because the amount of love I give to the people I care about takes an effort and is thoughtful and genuine.

My goal is to be able to experience this life and the world through self love and positivity. To help spread the message that life really is your choice no matter what comes your way!

Pool Therapy Time! 

Things that annoy me about recovery....

staying positive right after hip surgery
(Unbelievable amount of Pain)

Its been 21 months since I got hit by a car while riding my bike and even saying it like that makes me feel annoying, you know, like parents saying how old there kid is.  
21 months.... Fucking annoying! I do that to remind myself that it hasn't been THAT long and I should be easier on myself.  It's also so embarrassing and tiresome to explain that I still suffer excruciating pains and symptoms that aren't going away, even after hip surgery.  It's very mentally exhausting when people ask you every day, "how you feeling?" with the hopes in their tone that you just say great but the truth is; I feel like I'm trapped in physical groundhogs day where nothing is getting better and I keep getting poked and prodded.  

staying positive icing my arms, elbows and chest
MAJOR PAIN

I need to stay positive not only for myself but for the people around me because It feels like everyones just tired of hearing about it and they're ready for it to be over, with me back to normal. Me too, me too!!! The sad truth is that there are so many things that I just don't want to tell people because its the hard truth of my reality and I'm not looking for sympathy or their input for solutions. For all of those who suffer silently and feel like nobody can relate I'm going to talk about it all in hopes that others who can relate to my experiences find some peace that they are not alone.   

When I sit across from you at a restaurant smiling and fidgeting like nobodies business, the truth is that I smile so I don't wince and I move around so the pain can't fully sink in. I try not to tell you about it because I need you to be funny and silly and yourself because you're my outlet to act happy and fun, inspite of it.  Being with you is an escape from the pain mentally even though its always present.  Other things you don't know are I have to use my hand to help my leg uncross when my leg doesn't get the message from my brain. I use my right leg to lift my left leg when I get into my car. My leg drops when I walk and I trip a lot.  My left leg has a constant "tick" and spasms 24 hours a day.  My hands will just drop what I'm holding because my hands stop feeling and don't realize they're holding something. My leg doesn't get the right message from my brain and will slam into something instead of passing by it like I intended to do, I can't go up or down the stairs

 being positive on crutches at the bowl
(still in pain)

without using the handrail for stability and for a little momentum. I need to hold on to the wall when I shower so I don't fall.  It feels like a laser is always shooting a beam from my crotch to my thigh then to my calf and out of the bottom of my foot. It feels like a knife has been lodged into my shoulder blades and is there to stay. I have to turn my entire body to look over my right shoulder.  I'm always asking people to make plans with me that involve a mild hike or something physical and they all say I shouldn't be doing it when the reality is that it's torture for me to have to sit still or to sit for any period of time longer than 30-40 minutes. The pain starts to set in deeper and once its set in, the rest of my day becomes about finding even more ways to cope without taking pharmaceuticals, which would be the easy way to feeling nothing and never healing. So, I try to just keep moving which I believe is the key to staying positive and motivated during a time when I could just give up and give in to sitting around and doing nothing but sulk in my reality. No thanks, thats annoying to even think about, which is what everyone thinks I should be like.  I should stop all activities and lay down and rest.   It's not going to make me better people, so stop suggesting it.  I know when I need to rest and I dose myself with 4000 mg of edible THC and sleep for 10 - 14 hours at a time.  It's the only way for me to truly rest.

Staying Positive - stretching
in the hot tub 

Strapped to the cool therapy machine

There are days when the only way I can stop the burning in my leg is if I spend hours in hot water or hours strapped to my cool therapy ice machine.  Some days I will spend 6 hours sitting in the hot tub so that I can have enough relief to actually study, write a blog, answer emails and give my mind a little break. At pool therapy I always say I wish that the world was one big hot therapy pool so I could walk through life with comfort and ease.  A girl can dream.

The hardest part for people to grasp is that my pain is constant.  When I go for a massage, of course it feels good but in the background of the good is this constant throbbing, numbness, sharp and heavy feelings in my neck, shoulders, back, hip, legs and spine.  It never stops.  Ever.  Like never ever. Certain activities can aggravate it by adding maybe a point or two to my pain scale but over all the pain is there regardless.

 being positive relearning how to lift my leg
(still in pain)

I am constantly lectured by every person that I shouldn't be doing any physical activities.   As if I should be on bed rest so my entire body can get weak and I could be in a more ultimate version of my painful hell.  I know that I can't go to a gym and workout with a trainer, do crossfit, sit and work at a desk for hours, go running or do major impact activities anymore or should I say until I am further diagnosed, treated and fully healed from this accident.  That doesn't mean that I shouldn't still keep my body strong and work out. I attribute the strength and otherwise good health I have to my holistic nutrition, meditations/sub conscious exercises and Cardio Barre workouts.  I truly believe Cardio Barre is the ultimate workout for people in recovery. You can work isolated muscles with zero impact and can skip movements or make modifications to accommodate your physical abilities which is key to safe physical therapy. If you don't use it you lose it and if you don't feel you won't heal.   I've tried yoga and pilates during my recovery and sorry folks, they're both dangerous and impactful to my body so you can stop pushing that on me because its annoying.  I've found the one activity that makes me actually feel better in my recovery and not worse which is the point.  To find activities that make me feel alive and better during a time when I constantly feel

Cardio Barre working on lifting my leg
(still in pain)

pain.  I know everyone just wants what's best for me but unless you know what I feel, your advice or shaming my choices doesn't help.  I don't mean to be a bitch about it but its hard enough dealing with pain without pills and then to be lectured like I'm doing things to hurt myself doesn't help with my mental strength and stability. All of my doctors and health care professionals have given me their approval to do Cardio Barre and have even said that structurally I can do any activity so long as it doesn't increase my pain by more than 2 points and thats the rule of thumb for me.  Being scolded for being active almost makes me just not want to share my painful reality with people. I'm damned if I do and would be damned worse if I didn't.  So, just support me and love me and know that everything I do is to help me get better.

Staying positive - 14th Injection
 (still in pain)

I am very astute when I go to my doctors appointments and to physical therapy.  I ask a lot of people what meds they are on, what kind of diet they have, if they do anything physical in everyday life and how long they've been in recovery.  90% of the people I meet have been on the pain meds for years, are overweight, in miserable moods, have multiple other medical conditions and do nothing physical in their everyday lives because "they're in too much pain".  They're on pain meds and in too much pain? If these people would have kept their bodies moving, didn't take pain meds and ate holistically they wouldn't still be in that pool 9 years after their accidents.

Staying Positive trying to ride a bike again
(still in pain)

I know that it's going to take time for all of the injuries I have to work themselves out and heal.  I know that I will have some physical disabilities for the rest of my life because a 3000 pound vehicle hit my bare body, its reality.  I know that because I don't lay around and wallow in my pain and instead work through it and inspite of it, that I am setting myself up to be even healthier and even stronger after having to overcome the worst of circumstances.  It's annoying to have to tell people you hurt or let them see it first hand.  Its even more annoying to be lectured by people on how you should behave as you heal.  Instead of developing all of the side affects and further ailments I see running rampant, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because all else aside, I have a positive outlook through doing positive activities and a smile on my face because I put it there and no amount of pain or disabilities will take any of that away from me.  I know, it's annoying! 

Staying positive - walking the dogs with my parents
(still in pain)