Monday, August 31, 2015

Monday Mornings.......Life..... Its what you make of it!

HHave you ever had anything you truly loved taken from you or worked for something with every ounce of your being just taken from you?  I have!

My 5 year old chihuahua suddenly coughed and 3 hours later was dead from heart failure.  I was destroyed.  I gave myself pneumonia from heartache.  In turn I ended up saving a puppy mill pomeranian from Parvo and helped to close down a fraudulent vet clinic.  I also rescued 2 additional dogs in her place.  #lemonade

I am a Medical Marijuana Activist and built a very successful collective that helped many sick people have access to medicine.  I am one of the good guys and spent 7 years fighting to stay open so I could help people.  In the end I had to choose between being a person of my word or screwing someone over but I choose to walk away. Physical disabilities aside, closing my collective for no reason other than politics.  My heart ripped from my hands.  In turn I am now working on developing technology to help patients gain access, doing interviews and consulting to keep the cause moving in the right direction.

I lost 100 lbs at 19  and developed a love for physical fitness.  I was hit by a car in July of 2013 and my ability to do the activities I love was taken from me.  In turn I work every day to get better, to develop ways to stay strong and I am writing books to help others learn how to eat to better suit their recoveries, holistic cookbooks and self help books.

I have 100's of stories like the ones listed.  Its the story of my life.

It may seem like I am a judgemental person or like I am hard on people.  I know, I am certainly accused of holding grudges but I really don't see it that way.  I only have room for good people in my life. The bad just comes from living life. I am hard on people because I am hard on myself. If I can live morally so can you. I am hard on myself because I always believe I can be doing better.  I believe that the energy that you allow into your life plays a huge role in how much positive progress we make on our own self esteem.  I can not keep company with negativity or people who are not progressive and honest about their life.  I live with full transparency with nothing to hide.  I am direct with people and say it like it is. I treat the people I love with kindness so I keep that circle small because the amount of love I give to the people I care about takes an effort and is thoughtful and genuine.

My goal is to be able to experience this life and the world through self love and positivity. To help spread the message that life really is your choice no matter what comes your way!

Pool Therapy Time! 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Raw Emotions

Ugh it's very hard to be positive today. I usually don't write when I'm crying and emotional but maybe someone will relate and it will help. I literally can't stand being alive living like this. I spent 15 minutes on a recumbent bike and floated for 10 minutes in water yesterday and today I can not move my neck, stand up straight or walk well at all. I'm fucking 36.  My pain threshold had been crossed.  It's the type of pain that leads even the most holistic anti pharm girl to take a Percocet. I usually can do anything with ease, solve any business issue practically, play any George Michael song on the sax but the one thing i can not do is figure out how to cure my physical disabilities.

It's the biggest mind fuck and I'm so thankful that I can usually see the positive and fight my hardest to make the best of things but today, today is not one of those days. I listen to others complain about what feels like "luxury life" problems like having trouble conceiving like it's the end of the world. It's not, the angst in me screams, if having a child is that important then it being your blood or not isn't a real problem. Having a child is a luxury, being able to walk is a necessity, my resentment tells me.  

Then I read articles with perfectly able bodied people having to get gastric bypass because they're 300 pounds, give me that body, I'll lose that weight naturally because not being able to control eating potato chips and junky food isnt a real problem, not being able to hold yourself up while you shower, that's a real problem. My grass is always greener instinct says, they're just fucking lazy and don't want to do what's right. 
Especially during my recovery my nutrition is perfection and I do everything in my power to properly work around my disabilities to keep the rest of my body strong. I do everything to type A perfection yet the problems are still there and the pain persists and there is nothing I can do. It's hard to look at the world around me and see people in what I feel are self created or not life shattering situations while I struggle to just walk. It's hard not to have resentment but the truth is I constantly remind myself it could be even harder, even from where I sit.  So, I allow myself to feel these resentments and to acknowledge its hard but then it's on to the next positive distraction even if it's playing my sax for only 10 minutes until it's hurts too much to play. Those 10 minutes of joy can produce enough elation (endorphins) to overshadow an hour of pain. Then onto the next positive thing because if I didn't keep myself positive, I wouldn't be able to give kindly and feel empathy for others. Like my friend who can't conceive because it is a real problem to her so it makes it real for me. 

Through my pain and hurt the perception could be the negative one my emotional instinct feels but through positive actions my true self reacts.  By taking care of my emotional needs honestly, I don't let it affect how I treat others because we are all supposed to feel and we all deserve to have our feelings respected. 

So emotional! 
Blogging Straight from soaking in the hot tub!!!! 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

People are fucking unreal.

Wow! There are some really fucked up people in this world. I've always just known there are lines that I don't cross. There are ways to treat people and there are things you just don't do. This is called common sense.  I don't believe that people don't know hitting a dog is wrong. They know it is but they just want to do it anyway. So, the excuse is, I didn't know. Really!? You did.

Recently, I had an experience with a person who lives their life with the excuse of, I didn't know better, in order to justify their selfish choices. Instead of accepting their own decisions, they would self distruct. Torment themselves into crying fits over choices they made with situations that were as clear as knowing not to beat a dog. I would sit by and listen as they anguished over every detail of situations that common sense and my advice would leave any moral person to remove themselves from but this person would fuel the fire as if they needed the drama to feel their soul. To the point that they would put me in orchestrated situations, unbeknownst to me, that eventually put me in danger. Lie covering lie and each time they were caught by trying to remember their story.  Eventually, common sense would start to lead me to believe there was something really wrong with this person.  How could they repeatedly put themselves in the same position while repeatedly making the same bad choices with the excuse of, I didn't know better, I don't have experience. The truth is they do know better they're just so selfish that they just do whatever they want, then face the music after in such a way that now they are the victim. The only victim I see is the rest of the people having to deal with this self induced dramatic fire. 
This seems to be the status quo but is so unacceptable to me. We live an age where plans mean nothing and saying let's grab dinner Thursday is just a nicety not actual plans and the once respected word of man means nothing. As I experience this modern age selfish version of the friendship, I slowly retreat into my own haven. When I give my word, I mean it, when I make plans with someone my intension is to go and when faced with a choice that I know is wrong, no matter how much I personally want it to be right, it's still a wrong choice. If a guy has a girlfriend you don't sleep with him, if you don't pay for something you don't take it and it's really easy to know right from wrong.  You just have to be willing to accept the truth and know living in it is more joyful than not. We all know the rules and it sad to watch society twist and turn them to justify their own selfish needs. It's hard to watch but it's easy not to be a part of the problem. Everybody wants to move mountains for big change but really all it would take is us turning our fingers around and facing our own selfishness. Change starts from within and if we all started to really think about how our actions affect others and humanity as a whole a lot of modern day issues wouldn't exist. It's a pipe dream to think empathy and common sense could be the next epidemic but it's the desire for a better tomorrow that keeps that dream alive in me.

How was your day dear? My day, well....

By 12:15pm on Tuesday my day has gone like this.  I woke up to a message from a yelper named Brooklyn C. whose subject line was....

Nothing puts a spring in a girls step more than being threatened with rape.  What kind of human being could even think about doing something like that to another person but then to have the audacity to type it in a message!? Well, thats the type of breed that scares the bejesus out of me. These people live amongst us. Scary! Plus, it's yelp, he can see where I've been, thats a little too real for my taste.

I then try to get moving and crutch myself to pool physical therapy which let me tell you, i'm ready for this all to be over with but nothing I can do.  I work on my walking which is a type of pain I can't even describe. I ice and have nerve stimulation.  As I'm leaving therapy and I struggle to get into my car, I look at the handicap placard form I've been carrying around trying to avoid admitting I need but seriously, I'm handicapped, at least for now. At this point, I must admit I need the help and that this isn't giving in but this is loving myself enough to know I need it... as I'm waiting for my number to be called at the DMV,  the woman whom i moved a seat for so she could be next to her daughter and grandson, is horseplaying and sends the screw on my own crutch jarring into my incision area... son of a bitch...a sign things can always be worse!?  So just be patient.  But alas, I've accepted my place and time in my life. Handicapped. Temporarily.  I'm hoping.

I get home to the elation of my two adorable dogs, Little Louie and Violet.  I use their walk as an opportunity to practice putting full pressure on my hip while trying to walk with no limp or pain. This is harder than any standardize testing, PE class mile, diet, pretty much anything i've ever done pales in comparison to how hard it is for me to walk normal with pressure on my hip. I practice my walking sans crutch, which is a snail's pace and my little angels are pulling but I'm staying slow, steady and strong.  An SUV had circled the cul de sac and suddenly pulled over while I was exiting my community.  I paid no mind until my snail's pace finally brought me face to face with his passenger side window and a young man with tissue in hand pulling up his pants, staring me straight in the eye. This man saw me, pulled over and as I practiced my walking, he jerked off to me and then he needed to make sure that I saw he did it.   I looked away with a yelp and a neighbor on a balcony high above yelled, "what happened?"  As I pointed at the car and yelled this dude just jerked of to me, the guy honked as he sped off.

What can you do? The only thing you can do.... I laugh it off.  I guess. Sadly, it's happened before. Still so horrifying.  But not shocking, which is the part of all of it that makes me sad.  Sad that a stranger would hold no restraint to write that he wants to sexually violate me and even sadder that we are not even safe to walk the streets without a jerk off jerking off.  I'm a strong girl but I feel horrible for their next victim or even the fact that anyone has to be a victim.  Its helplessness at its purist form. Nothing you can do and nothing can be done to undo it or prevent it from happening again.

I honestly don't know what the point of this post is.  I guess with how hard i've fought the last two years to be able to walk, let alone enjoy the wonders of the world and all the amazing adventures that are left to be had, it's really really disappointing that people would rather be doing harm to others than enjoying all the gifts this earth has for us. It stirs resentment in me.  I would give anything to be off exploring which is why I give everything I do my everything.

I could sit and be angry for the clear sense of violation from everything I experienced today, and turn it outwards because someone has to pay or instead, I do what I always do, I turn around and give even more kindness and love to the world around me.  I like to think to make these things right, if every time we are wronged by behavior we turned around and gave love and kindness two fold into the world, so in essence,  my two rights would cross out a wrong!

Wishful thinking and a steady practice......

... Live Love Laugh ... Seriously.