Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Softy the No Show Penis and why he gets me so mad!

(Written in 2014, many moons ago)

"Meow" said the booty call at 3:45pm on a tuesday afternoon.

"MMMM" said a horny Amy... "YAY!" ~ don't judge me, be free, try it yourself!

Who doesn't want to get a little hot and sweaty on a beautiful tuesday afternoon.  The short notice would make most girls cross their arms and be bitchy in a huff because how dare he think I can just drop everything and come running!  WRONG! Its all so silly to me, I want to have sex with him and he wants me and we both happen to be available! So, lets jump to this.

Texting me and rushing me knowing that my 20 minutes is really 45 and making me feel like I'm late to the SAT's or something.  I'm rushin zippy.  So, I get there and he's just super frisky, hands everywhere... on the lawn in the middle of the afternoon... I take a seat and things are going great for a long while until "Softy" - the no show penis rears his ugly head.  Are you serious?  I just braved laurel canyon at 4:30 for an afternoon delight that's not so delightful. Unless you enjoy what I like to call the softy no show circuit training where its a minute on, a minute blowing, a minute on, a minute blowing. Hard on the neck, hips and knees and reminiscent of the african mating ritual from Can't Buy Me Love.

Jesus, you had one job booty call. The best part of this is when men act like it's never happened before, "I'm baffled, this only happens with you", "its in my head, I swear, just give me a second" and my favorite "You mind fucked me"... I can absolutely take credit for a mind fucking comment. Yes, I will mind fuck a man sometimes better than I can actually fuck him but that's just fun and games for me and usually only happens when someones' a "big talker " and fails to put their money or dick in to action where their mouth is.  

Why is this something that suddenly becomes a woman's issue on all accounts?  My friend tried to explain it and said "Guys say "What's wrong with you?" and "Girls say "What's wrong with me?"... Thus making it our problem, no matter what. I'm not buying her reasoning. 

But damn it, Softy, you make me so mad.  The things men will do to hide this is unbelievable.  The Viagra guy who now has a four hour erection and thinks jack hammering me harder and harder is going to make his erection go away faster.  You took a pill dude you're in it to win it and maybe just maybe there is more to do with an erect penis than just penetrate.  Maybe just men need to just actually address the problem maybe softy comes around because you haven't mentally learned how to have real sex with a real sex loving woman.  

Sex isn't a poking and prodding cattle show, it a dance of pure pleasure that once you let your mind go and let your hands, mouth and body do all the thinking, there is nothing like it. Your mind should be so engulfed in the dance of receiving and giving that its near impossible to cloud the mind of the extreme bursts of pleasure.  

Society puts so much pressure on women to look in a way that will turn men on.  These pressures and the vanity of it all are extreme. Women are told that we should aspire to be this way to attract men so that they'll want to be with us, primarily sexually but now after all of our hard work we are also responsible for actually maintaining the guys erection for him too.  

This then brings us back to old softy, and just like the myth of does size matter and this has never happened before... It does matter and we all know that it does happen to you and not just with me, so lets cut that blaming us girls shit out and start actually fixing the problem and what we expect from the sexes.  

Life, love and sex get a lot easier and much better when we become honest and work for a change. Let's stop making sex so hush hush and for fucks sake, in the pursuit of more mind blowing sex for all and a happier world lets us all be free and work harder on helping each to work through and fix our issues instead of bottling it up and placing blame. If we all did this the world would be a much more sexually satisfied and less stressful place. Now...Go out and love someone.... Maybe even blow their mind! 

Monday, April 27, 2015

Jesus Christ Life, what a pain in the neck!

Yesterday I decided to give resting a real chance.  I skipped my workout and all my other physical rituals like epsom salt baths, icing and drinking my special juices.  It was a crazy just lay around, smoke weed and eat edibles all day (pain management, i can't function without it!) and be lazy.  Well, Jesus Christ I woke up today and CAN NOT MOVE MY NECK!  Like I can not turn my neck right or left and looking up involves moving my entire back.  I guess the moral is, that all of my holistic measures to manage my pain and my mobility work and when I drop the ball for a day and try to "rest", I just set myself back.  If I'm completely honest, laying around and doing nothing is only fun if you're naked with someone else and you're really not doing nothing. So, the lesson I learned is that the more consistent we are with our holistic health and nutrition practices the more we consistently feel good.  Although I suffer daily from pain, today I learned how much worse it would be if I wasn't doing what I am doing.  Off to the spa for the day to get straight and enjoy my silver linings where ever I can!

Spa Vibes

Friday, April 24, 2015

Health Tips with Products I LOVE! - Avoiding the afternoon Crash * Salad Dressings*

Energy Boosting Salad - Cucumbers, Garbanzos, Spinach, Beet and Tomato

When I use to work in the corporate world there use to be this 4pm lull where you could literally feel the energy in the building shift.  It's probably because all the energy that everyone was putting out in the morning to get everything done was now focused on digesting lunch.  Salads are a wonderful way to keep your body fed, feeling satisfied and energized throughout the day while giving you a bounce in your step because they don't weigh you down!  

The trick to keeping your energy up all afternoon is to make your lunch a salad low in fat and packed high in complex carbs. This way your body won't feel sluggish in the afternoon while trying to break down heavy slow digesting foods like saturated fats and proteins while still keeping you going.  If you stick to a big filling easily digestible salad you'll be sure to avoid the afternoon crash all together. The problem with salads is that all of the good nutrients they provide are ruined with oil heavy salad dressings, thats high fat content slows down the digestion of all of the delish veggies that are trying to feed your cells.   Instead of the salad being good for you, it actually becomes like having a cheeseburger because a tablespoon of olive oil is 120 calories and 14 grams of fat.  

How many tablespoons of dressing does one really use!?  A lot more than that! The average person will use a minimum of 4 tablespoons of dressing totaling - 480 calories on average and 56 grams of fat!  I'd rather eat that in any other form of food then a dressing.

TIP:  I take my favorite spices like curry, cumin and pepper and toss the salad in them to give the salad a little extra specific flavor kicks.  Then I take my favorite mustard and mix it with balsamic vinegar and a little rice wine vinegar.  This makes a full flavored low fat dressing that I can be as liberal as I want with and it won't take away from the benefits from my nutrient rich energy boosting salads.  If you're out and about, you can always "cut" down the fat in a dressing by using whatever vinegar that restaurant has on hand.  It will help spread the flavor of the dressing throughout the salad without slapping the extra fat on your ass! 

PRODUCT I LOVE: One of my favorite mustards to use is:

Available at Whole Foods! All natural and nothing processed!


Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Grown up decisions with Amy Michelle

This morning I was faced with a situation I know all too well: Do I walk the dogs or masturbate!?

Very grown up and tough decision; you see because I seem to always put myself in this situation.  I know I need my morning "riseNshine-gasm" first thing but HELLO it's 2015 and my social media sites and informational sources all need a checkin'.   It would be totally acceptable, IF I was just "checkin" and not engaging.  Now, what should have only taken 15 minutes, has me lying in bed pushing back and even furthering the time i'm allotted in the morning by Violet and Little Louie to mix in petting, phone play and masturbation before they seriously need to go out.  Today I pushed it to the max, which I can't say I don't always do and here they are staring at me and Violet made her little whimper that it's time.
The Happy Seat 

Pee Pee Party

I sit there dildo in hand with the grown up decision:  Do I have my "riseNshine-gasm" with two dogs kinda watching or get up to walk the dogs....

GROWN UP -  FUUUUCK MEEEEEEE... (ugh, maybe probably definitely... later)

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Things that annoy me about recovery....

staying positive right after hip surgery
(Unbelievable amount of Pain)
Its been 21 months since I got hit by a car while riding my bike and even saying it like that makes me feel annoying, you know, like parents saying how old there kid is.  
21 months.... Fucking annoying! I do that to remind myself that it hasn't been THAT long and I should be easier on myself.  It's also so embarrassing and tiresome to explain that I still suffer excruciating pains and symptoms that aren't going away, even after hip surgery.  It's very mentally exhausting when people ask you every day, "how you feeling?" with the hopes in their tone that you just say great but the truth is; I feel like I'm trapped in physical groundhogs day where nothing is getting better and I keep getting poked and prodded.  

staying positive icing my arms, elbows and chest
I need to stay positive not only for myself but for the people around me because It feels like everyones just tired of hearing about it and they're ready for it to be over, with me back to normal. Me too, me too!!! The sad truth is that there are so many things that I just don't want to tell people because its the hard truth of my reality and I'm not looking for sympathy or their input for solutions. For all of those who suffer silently and feel like nobody can relate I'm going to talk about it all in hopes that others who can relate to my experiences find some peace that they are not alone.   

When I sit across from you at a restaurant smiling and fidgeting like nobodies business, the truth is that I smile so I don't wince and I move around so the pain can't fully sink in. I try not to tell you about it because I need you to be funny and silly and yourself because you're my outlet to act happy and fun, inspite of it.  Being with you is an escape from the pain mentally even though its always present.  Other things you don't know are I have to use my hand to help my leg uncross when my leg doesn't get the message from my brain. I use my right leg to lift my left leg when I get into my car. My leg drops when I walk and I trip a lot.  My left leg has a constant "tick" and spasms 24 hours a day.  My hands will just drop what I'm holding because my hands stop feeling and don't realize they're holding something. My leg doesn't get the right message from my brain and will slam into something instead of passing by it like I intended to do, I can't go up or down the stairs
 being positive on crutches at the bowl
(still in pain)

without using the handrail for stability and for a little momentum. I need to hold on to the wall when I shower so I don't fall.  It feels like a laser is always shooting a beam from my crotch to my thigh then to my calf and out of the bottom of my foot. It feels like a knife has been lodged into my shoulder blades and is there to stay. I have to turn my entire body to look over my right shoulder.  I'm always asking people to make plans with me that involve a mild hike or something physical and they all say I shouldn't be doing it when the reality is that it's torture for me to have to sit still or to sit for any period of time longer than 30-40 minutes. The pain starts to set in deeper and once its set in, the rest of my day becomes about finding even more ways to cope without taking pharmaceuticals, which would be the easy way to feeling nothing and never healing. So, I try to just keep moving which I believe is the key to staying positive and motivated during a time when I could just give up and give in to sitting around and doing nothing but sulk in my reality. No thanks, thats annoying to even think about, which is what everyone thinks I should be like.  I should stop all activities and lay down and rest.   It's not going to make me better people, so stop suggesting it.  I know when I need to rest and I dose myself with 4000 mg of edible THC and sleep for 10 - 14 hours at a time.  It's the only way for me to truly rest.

Staying Positive - stretching
in the hot tub 
Strapped to the cool therapy machine
There are days when the only way I can stop the burning in my leg is if I spend hours in hot water or hours strapped to my cool therapy ice machine.  Some days I will spend 6 hours sitting in the hot tub so that I can have enough relief to actually study, write a blog, answer emails and give my mind a little break. At pool therapy I always say I wish that the world was one big hot therapy pool so I could walk through life with comfort and ease.  A girl can dream.

The hardest part for people to grasp is that my pain is constant.  When I go for a massage, of course it feels good but in the background of the good is this constant throbbing, numbness, sharp and heavy feelings in my neck, shoulders, back, hip, legs and spine.  It never stops.  Ever.  Like never ever. Certain activities can aggravate it by adding maybe a point or two to my pain scale but over all the pain is there regardless.

 being positive relearning how to lift my leg
(still in pain)
I am constantly lectured by every person that I shouldn't be doing any physical activities.   As if I should be on bed rest so my entire body can get weak and I could be in a more ultimate version of my painful hell.  I know that I can't go to a gym and workout with a trainer, do crossfit, sit and work at a desk for hours, go running or do major impact activities anymore or should I say until I am further diagnosed, treated and fully healed from this accident.  That doesn't mean that I shouldn't still keep my body strong and work out. I attribute the strength and otherwise good health I have to my holistic nutrition, meditations/sub conscious exercises and Cardio Barre workouts.  I truly believe Cardio Barre is the ultimate workout for people in recovery. You can work isolated muscles with zero impact and can skip movements or make modifications to accommodate your physical abilities which is key to safe physical therapy. If you don't use it you lose it and if you don't feel you won't heal.   I've tried yoga and pilates during my recovery and sorry folks, they're both dangerous and impactful to my body so you can stop pushing that on me because its annoying.  I've found the one activity that makes me actually feel better in my recovery and not worse which is the point.  To find activities that make me feel alive and better during a time when I constantly feel
Cardio Barre working on lifting my leg
(still in pain)
pain.  I know everyone just wants what's best for me but unless you know what I feel, your advice or shaming my choices doesn't help.  I don't mean to be a bitch about it but its hard enough dealing with pain without pills and then to be lectured like I'm doing things to hurt myself doesn't help with my mental strength and stability. All of my doctors and health care professionals have given me their approval to do Cardio Barre and have even said that structurally I can do any activity so long as it doesn't increase my pain by more than 2 points and thats the rule of thumb for me.  Being scolded for being active almost makes me just not want to share my painful reality with people. I'm damned if I do and would be damned worse if I didn't.  So, just support me and love me and know that everything I do is to help me get better.

Staying positive - 14th Injection
 (still in pain)
I am very astute when I go to my doctors appointments and to physical therapy.  I ask a lot of people what meds they are on, what kind of diet they have, if they do anything physical in everyday life and how long they've been in recovery.  90% of the people I meet have been on the pain meds for years, are overweight, in miserable moods, have multiple other medical conditions and do nothing physical in their everyday lives because "they're in too much pain".  They're on pain meds and in too much pain? If these people would have kept their bodies moving, didn't take pain meds and ate holistically they wouldn't still be in that pool 9 years after their accidents.

Staying Positive trying to ride a bike again
(still in pain)
I know that it's going to take time for all of the injuries I have to work themselves out and heal.  I know that I will have some physical disabilities for the rest of my life because a 3000 pound vehicle hit my bare body, its reality.  I know that because I don't lay around and wallow in my pain and instead work through it and inspite of it, that I am setting myself up to be even healthier and even stronger after having to overcome the worst of circumstances.  It's annoying to have to tell people you hurt or let them see it first hand.  Its even more annoying to be lectured by people on how you should behave as you heal.  Instead of developing all of the side affects and further ailments I see running rampant, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because all else aside, I have a positive outlook through doing positive activities and a smile on my face because I put it there and no amount of pain or disabilities will take any of that away from me.  I know, it's annoying! 

Staying positive - walking the dogs with my parents
(still in pain)

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

True Stories with Amy Michelle....

Petite Syrah and Jejeune 2010 ~ thanks for letting me clean up your shit... Miss you, RIP until I get there! 

So, this one time my townhouse homeowners association tried to fine me $100 claiming that someone reported that I do not clean up after my dogs in the common area of the community.   Now, just to paint the picture a little bit; I was 23 years old when I first moved in and well, I did have a few parties here and there.  Having an obsession with Pinatas, I might have had a few parties where I hung a Pinata from my Kitchen balcony so people in front of my garage below could hit it.  Fun times and the cops loved coming and saying hi to me.  They would always laugh, hang with my parents and watch us hit the Pinata and then leave.  

There was this one homeowner who was on the board who said that my noise, high level of activities and people coming over caused his wife to get cancer... CANCER. According to this Gentleman and I heard it out of his mouth directly, I caused Cancer. I can't say that a comment like that didn't affect me for a second but luckily I know what ailments I cause and Cancer isn't on the list and now they're claiming I don't clean up after my dogs.  Blasphemy!  

The fine notice said that I could appear in 6 weeks in front of the board to appeal it. And that's what I did.  For the next 6 weeks instead of throwing out my dogs poopie after picking it up, I saved it.  I walked into the board meeting, parents in tow with 6 weeks of dog shit and stood there with a bag hanging from each hand, arms straight out and said "Tell me I don't clean up after my dogs, I dare you"  and just smiled. Fighting every ounce of distain for me, the asshole who said I cause CANCER, shook his head and said "fine dismissed"!  Justice! Now that's the shit I'm talking about!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

it could be the Edibles but....I mean probably....but

Have you ever noticed how excited newly engaged people are about "their story" of how they met!?  As if "their story" needs to be, in your face; our love is grander, greater, the ultimate love there is and a better story than anyone else who has ever lived.  They're making it into a screenplay, its that perfect. Like we care or if it matters!  You'll hate this story and find a way to use it against each other when you're dividing your assets because "your story was too good for a pre-nup."  "Us!? Divorced.... never!"  Ha, Hilarious! Don't have kids, thanks!

I mean, I doubt one man could ever really satisfy me full time and live to tell about it but should I ever find him.  I'd like our "love" story to be more reasonable and more like a real life possibility.  Something along the lines of... 

"She was trying to cause a distraction to mask the sound of a huge fart brewin' by bumping her cart against the onion display at whole foods, just as I was reaching for an onion for my guacamole. It was nasal rape 100%! Borderline Murder! Maybe a mild concussion" he'll exclaim lovingly! 

To which I will chime in adoringly, "As I looked over my shoulder, checking to see if i pulled it off undetected.... this really hung over; vodka breathed dude in dirty puked on jeans, spit whispered in my ear, I smelt it but I know you dealt it" 

The Guac was delish!~ Til death do us fart!


Credit: "War of the Roses"