Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Things that annoy me about recovery....

staying positive right after hip surgery
(Unbelievable amount of Pain)
Its been 21 months since I got hit by a car while riding my bike and even saying it like that makes me feel annoying, you know, like parents saying how old there kid is.  
21 months.... Fucking annoying! I do that to remind myself that it hasn't been THAT long and I should be easier on myself.  It's also so embarrassing and tiresome to explain that I still suffer excruciating pains and symptoms that aren't going away, even after hip surgery.  It's very mentally exhausting when people ask you every day, "how you feeling?" with the hopes in their tone that you just say great but the truth is; I feel like I'm trapped in physical groundhogs day where nothing is getting better and I keep getting poked and prodded.  

staying positive icing my arms, elbows and chest
I need to stay positive not only for myself but for the people around me because It feels like everyones just tired of hearing about it and they're ready for it to be over, with me back to normal. Me too, me too!!! The sad truth is that there are so many things that I just don't want to tell people because its the hard truth of my reality and I'm not looking for sympathy or their input for solutions. For all of those who suffer silently and feel like nobody can relate I'm going to talk about it all in hopes that others who can relate to my experiences find some peace that they are not alone.   

When I sit across from you at a restaurant smiling and fidgeting like nobodies business, the truth is that I smile so I don't wince and I move around so the pain can't fully sink in. I try not to tell you about it because I need you to be funny and silly and yourself because you're my outlet to act happy and fun, inspite of it.  Being with you is an escape from the pain mentally even though its always present.  Other things you don't know are I have to use my hand to help my leg uncross when my leg doesn't get the message from my brain. I use my right leg to lift my left leg when I get into my car. My leg drops when I walk and I trip a lot.  My left leg has a constant "tick" and spasms 24 hours a day.  My hands will just drop what I'm holding because my hands stop feeling and don't realize they're holding something. My leg doesn't get the right message from my brain and will slam into something instead of passing by it like I intended to do, I can't go up or down the stairs
 being positive on crutches at the bowl
(still in pain)

without using the handrail for stability and for a little momentum. I need to hold on to the wall when I shower so I don't fall.  It feels like a laser is always shooting a beam from my crotch to my thigh then to my calf and out of the bottom of my foot. It feels like a knife has been lodged into my shoulder blades and is there to stay. I have to turn my entire body to look over my right shoulder.  I'm always asking people to make plans with me that involve a mild hike or something physical and they all say I shouldn't be doing it when the reality is that it's torture for me to have to sit still or to sit for any period of time longer than 30-40 minutes. The pain starts to set in deeper and once its set in, the rest of my day becomes about finding even more ways to cope without taking pharmaceuticals, which would be the easy way to feeling nothing and never healing. So, I try to just keep moving which I believe is the key to staying positive and motivated during a time when I could just give up and give in to sitting around and doing nothing but sulk in my reality. No thanks, thats annoying to even think about, which is what everyone thinks I should be like.  I should stop all activities and lay down and rest.   It's not going to make me better people, so stop suggesting it.  I know when I need to rest and I dose myself with 4000 mg of edible THC and sleep for 10 - 14 hours at a time.  It's the only way for me to truly rest.

Staying Positive - stretching
in the hot tub 
Strapped to the cool therapy machine
There are days when the only way I can stop the burning in my leg is if I spend hours in hot water or hours strapped to my cool therapy ice machine.  Some days I will spend 6 hours sitting in the hot tub so that I can have enough relief to actually study, write a blog, answer emails and give my mind a little break. At pool therapy I always say I wish that the world was one big hot therapy pool so I could walk through life with comfort and ease.  A girl can dream.

The hardest part for people to grasp is that my pain is constant.  When I go for a massage, of course it feels good but in the background of the good is this constant throbbing, numbness, sharp and heavy feelings in my neck, shoulders, back, hip, legs and spine.  It never stops.  Ever.  Like never ever. Certain activities can aggravate it by adding maybe a point or two to my pain scale but over all the pain is there regardless.

 being positive relearning how to lift my leg
(still in pain)
I am constantly lectured by every person that I shouldn't be doing any physical activities.   As if I should be on bed rest so my entire body can get weak and I could be in a more ultimate version of my painful hell.  I know that I can't go to a gym and workout with a trainer, do crossfit, sit and work at a desk for hours, go running or do major impact activities anymore or should I say until I am further diagnosed, treated and fully healed from this accident.  That doesn't mean that I shouldn't still keep my body strong and work out. I attribute the strength and otherwise good health I have to my holistic nutrition, meditations/sub conscious exercises and Cardio Barre workouts.  I truly believe Cardio Barre is the ultimate workout for people in recovery. You can work isolated muscles with zero impact and can skip movements or make modifications to accommodate your physical abilities which is key to safe physical therapy. If you don't use it you lose it and if you don't feel you won't heal.   I've tried yoga and pilates during my recovery and sorry folks, they're both dangerous and impactful to my body so you can stop pushing that on me because its annoying.  I've found the one activity that makes me actually feel better in my recovery and not worse which is the point.  To find activities that make me feel alive and better during a time when I constantly feel
Cardio Barre working on lifting my leg
(still in pain)
pain.  I know everyone just wants what's best for me but unless you know what I feel, your advice or shaming my choices doesn't help.  I don't mean to be a bitch about it but its hard enough dealing with pain without pills and then to be lectured like I'm doing things to hurt myself doesn't help with my mental strength and stability. All of my doctors and health care professionals have given me their approval to do Cardio Barre and have even said that structurally I can do any activity so long as it doesn't increase my pain by more than 2 points and thats the rule of thumb for me.  Being scolded for being active almost makes me just not want to share my painful reality with people. I'm damned if I do and would be damned worse if I didn't.  So, just support me and love me and know that everything I do is to help me get better.

Staying positive - 14th Injection
 (still in pain)
I am very astute when I go to my doctors appointments and to physical therapy.  I ask a lot of people what meds they are on, what kind of diet they have, if they do anything physical in everyday life and how long they've been in recovery.  90% of the people I meet have been on the pain meds for years, are overweight, in miserable moods, have multiple other medical conditions and do nothing physical in their everyday lives because "they're in too much pain".  They're on pain meds and in too much pain? If these people would have kept their bodies moving, didn't take pain meds and ate holistically they wouldn't still be in that pool 9 years after their accidents.

Staying Positive trying to ride a bike again
(still in pain)
I know that it's going to take time for all of the injuries I have to work themselves out and heal.  I know that I will have some physical disabilities for the rest of my life because a 3000 pound vehicle hit my bare body, its reality.  I know that because I don't lay around and wallow in my pain and instead work through it and inspite of it, that I am setting myself up to be even healthier and even stronger after having to overcome the worst of circumstances.  It's annoying to have to tell people you hurt or let them see it first hand.  Its even more annoying to be lectured by people on how you should behave as you heal.  Instead of developing all of the side affects and further ailments I see running rampant, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing because all else aside, I have a positive outlook through doing positive activities and a smile on my face because I put it there and no amount of pain or disabilities will take any of that away from me.  I know, it's annoying! 

Staying positive - walking the dogs with my parents
(still in pain)


  1. Hey! I never got anything! Coachkmd1@gmail.com 8184144174

    This really paints a picture of your pain. I really want you better!

  2. Hi Amy It was nice talking to you I like to sent you All the positive attitude Which will give you endurance and faith and Let you know I will have you in my prayers.

  3. Thank you Joel. It was great talking to
    You today! You really get it!